Thoughts on new callings

I have neglected you for the past few weeks.  Life has been a little hectic around here with the "illness" of a computer and therefore no Internet, new callings, death of my grandmother, and feelings that I want to overcome.  

My mother tells me often, "You haven't blogged today!"  And my reply is that I'm too busy, or the pictures won't load, or there is nothing to say.  I have tons to say, but can't bring myself around to do it.  They aren't happy thoughts right now.  Because I am a real person who has ups and downs in life I need to state the bad just as much as the good. Since this is a form of a journal for me, I must get to it and record something.  This week I hope to finish the entries about our recent trip to the Grand Canyon and a few other things.

I finally have a church calling.  For those who are not of my faith, a calling is a job or a position in the ward or church group that we attend.  These positions are always non-paid.  You may think why would anyone take on something like that (including our Bishops (like a pastor) which isn't paid for his long hours of service).  The reason is simply because it gives me us an opportunity to serve our fellow brothers and sisters and to learn.  I have learned so much and have a better relationship with Christ due to the service I have given.  We do not apply for positions, but rather names are submitted and prayed about and then the call is extended.

We have lived in this house for nearly 6 months.  Usually when we move into a new house or ward we are given callings within a month or two.  Eduardo is currently serving in the Young Mens Presidency, so he is working with the boys ages 12 to 18.   I have been upset for not receiving a calling yet and at times would think that I simply wasn't needed or worthless.  I can't tell you how many times I have had to go to "my spot"  (how I miss my spot at my last house!) and cry over this.

In our last ward I had several big callings including in the Relief Society Presidency (over the sisters ages 18+).  It was hard work, but I loved the work that I was doing.  I didn't realized how much I missed it until I came here.  

So my new calling has finally been extended and as ashamed as I was, I didn't want it.  I accepted it, figuring that it would be something new and that I needed to learn something from it.  I am my ward's Music Director.  So basically I choose the music for the Sacrament Meeting and lead the congregation.  

I have very little music experience and have worried at how badly I would do.  My first day today went well, even though I messed up several times.  I love music and this will help me know it better.  My only problem, is that I am afraid of not being given anything else to do.  I like to be busy and this certainly isn't a calling to keep me busy.  I have already selected the music through October!  Also, in past wards, people in this calling are there for years.  I want to experience things and do not want this to be a lifetime or even a 15 year calling.  I feel that I am able to give so much more if only I can be given the chance.

My life has been so different here since we moved.  Much of it for the good.  I am finally able to devote myself to Livy, Eduardo and my home.  I love being a stay-at-home-mom and wouldn't change it.  I love that I have friends to socialize with. This honestly is new for me.  I never really have had friends.  I may have had a few acquaintances in past wards and neighborhoods, but I don't think I could call many of them my friends.  (No one, except for one (thank you for the play date Sarah) has even asked how we were settling in.)  I love that Livy has children to play with and love that I can go grocery shopping and run errands without waiting for daycare kids to be picked up.  

But even with all the good, I'm struggling.  I can't find a balance or routine in my life.  I still feel so lonely here and that this house will never feel like my own.  I catch myself it that horrible state of thinking about "the future" where my life will be different.  That "future" doesn't exist. (How do you draw the line between planning/hoping for things and wasting time on wishing for things that will never happen?)  I know I need to learn to be happy with what I have.  Don't get me wrong, I feel truly blessed to have a nice house, to be a mother and have a wonderful husband.  I certainly have something to learn from this whole situation; from moving here to callings. 

I think now, how could I even post this.  I don't want this to seem like a pity party, but more or less how I am feeling and why I haven't blogged for a while.